Politics and social media observations will be hard to put down this October unless a family chooses to explicitly say that’s not on the menu, lest we burn the Thanksgiving turkey.
Associate director of counselling initiatives with the Calgary Counselling Centre, Marcus Cheung, says a family may choose to have the dinner discussions while observing mutual respect and remembering that ultimately, we are family.
“I think there are a lot of skills and things people will have to be aware of before going into those conversations,” says Cheung.
With Thanksgiving coming seven days before the Alberta referendum, if families choose to engage in political conversations when they get together for the holiday, they may want to have some ground rules.
“I think we can talk about difficult things without jeopardizing the relationship.”
Be prepared – have a plan
The counsellor encourages people to be aware of who will be coming to the family gathering.
“If you are going to meet with a very opinionated relative, have a realistic expectation in terms of knowing who you are going to meet. Understand the context of the dinner (family gathering). I think that’s key,” says Cheung. “We don’t want to go into conversations unexpectedly.”
The counsellor shares some of the wording you might use for the sake of saving the family occasion.
“I appreciate your opinions on this, I love you as a family member, but I am not going to discuss this today. I just want to enjoy the time being with you as a family member, and let’s put politics aside for now.”
Staying neutral: Switch giving an opinion to being simply curious
Cheung moves the needle from feeling you have to give an opinion to perhaps trying to understand where the other person is coming from.
“Instead of feeling that you have to give an opinion, sometimes switching from opinion to curiosity helps as well.”
Cheung says perhaps you can give the “benefit of the doubt to that person” as you try to manage the situation with understanding rather than emotions getting high.
“Managing your reaction towards some of those statements, seeking to understand, asking more questions, but also pair that with the context and the background; understanding that your relative grew up differently.”
Cheung says that understanding goes a long way in dealing with a heated conversation.
Ground rules
A family may agree that perhaps the elder in the family might hold sway or even the host of the gathering. Another option would be to stipulate that politics is not on the Thanksgiving menu.
“When you’re running a group, there are things that we might be happy to do, and there are things we are not quite sure if that’s the best time to have that conversation,” says Cheung.
The counsellor looks at how much time families get to actually spend with each other and suggests families can prioritize what’s more important when they meet.
Managing heightened emotions
However, the family may still assemble, and the conversations can begin to heat up faster than the turkey is baking in the oven. The counsellor suggests the emotions can be managed by seeing it is normal for people to “hold their opinions to heart.”
“When you notice that the conversation is getting hotter and hotter, perhaps you can share that you realize we are getting a little more heated in this conversation, but I really want to remind everyone that people are entitled to their own opinion,” says Cheung. “We don’t have to persuade others.”
He adds it’s fine to set boundaries and not be entangled by those emotions as you focus on family time being more important.
“I recognize that you are talking about a very important issue. I appreciate and value your opinion here, but I also want to spend time with you aside from politics,” says Cheung as he suggests ways to manoeuvre the discussion.
Social media fuel
With the ongoing impact of social media charging up the political discourse, Cheung says, “Politics knocks at your door, when you open any social media platform.”
“When politics is in front of your face, what we recommend is that people ask if this is something that you would be able to handle. Do you find yourself getting increasingly worried or upset? If so, we’ve got to make a conscious choice to pull back.”
Cheung adds while politics affects much of our lives, he suggests to shift your mindset to perhaps you do not need to see every single update.
“There are protective mechanisms that we have to put in place in case we find that we are too overwhelmed by social media.”
Cheung still says it’s possible to have a mutually respectful conversation about politics without destroying the relationships at the family dinner table.
“Relationships come first, then politics.”
When to seek help
Albertans and people in general remain swamped by economic and political concerns, notes the counsellor.
“It’s the level of overwhelming experiences that people are facing and the uncertainty people are in that they can’t cope – this is when we see people coming to the counselling door,” says Cheung. “It’s because it’s too much.”
Cheung adds since COVID-19, they have seen more people coming to counselling with some kind of worry.
“It’s not necessarily about themselves, but the state of affairs that we are experiencing as a society.”
He says this can create a lot of stress even for people who may be managing well in their personal lives but still anxious about the state of the world.
“We encourage people to come and talk to us,” says Cheung. “In counselling, we teach people how to manage these situations, and what you have control over as an ordinary citizen.”
The counsellor returns to the family dynamic and emphasizes the value you have for your family member is more than any political platform.
Finding resources
More help is available online or in person via Counselling Alberta and the Calgary Counselling Centre.
In Lloydminster, there is also support available online and in-person. Walk-in support is also available at Pathways to Wellness, with expanded hours seven days a week.
