When it comes to fixing relationships, a big area is couples citing they have communications concerns.
“We hear from couples that they are not feeling heard,” says Marcus Cheung, manager of counselling initiatives with the Calgary Counselling Centre.
The counsellor says that couples counselling is in the top three referrals after depression and anxiety.
“It’s not uncommon that we hear from partners or couples saying they are not feeling heard, they’re not feeling seen, they are not feeling understood,” says Cheung.
Differing priorities can also trigger the communications fallout.
“Expressing things in a certain way that you know perhaps the other person sort of didn’t understand what the intention was or where they were coming from.”
Putting in the work
The first message the counsellor wants to get across is that relationships require work.
“For example, being able to communicate our needs in a very active way. Actively communicating in a way that you know your partner would be receptive and understanding. It’s also important as well that we communicate about and include some of our feelings, needs, and concerns. Also, for the other person to practise simply listening to the concerns and then acknowledging and validating the other person, rather than just standing there and listening or becoming defensive about it,” says Cheung.
He adds the listener needs to listen in a non-judgmental way to what their partner is saying.
Small gestures
Couples need to check-in, and have quality time, notes Cheung as he cites families who may be out having supper and are on their phones.
“There are many distractions that would take away the attention that we have for one another as family members and partners,” says Cheung. “Those are some of the things to address. Doing small things for one another.”
The counsellor lists having open communication, giving positive feedback and validation as going a long way to bridge the gap.
Seeking professional help
Cheung says there is never a wrong time to seek help.
“It takes quite a bit of skill to actually communicate effectively with your partner,” says Cheung. “Skills that anybody can learn and practise in order to get better.”
He says couples don’t have to be in a bad place to come to counselling, but they simply want to find ways about how to communicate better.
“Counsellors would be able to provide some strategies for them.”
He notes the management of a healthy relationship requires strong and good communication.
“All of that is a skill. And we may not have learned this growing up,” says Cheung. “It can be learned, practised and it will get better.”
Main takeaway
“Relationship changes start from yourself,” says Cheung. “Instead of pointing fingers at each other, we ask them to reflect on their own and ask what do you think you can do in order to make this relationship better?”
Available professional help
Resources are available online or in person via Counselling Alberta and the Calgary Counselling Centre.
In Lloydminster a full list of supports is also available online and in-person.
