They show up for everyone—kids, parents, work and home—while quietly running on empty. The sandwich generation is learning that caring for two generations at once can come with a heavy emotional toll.
The sandwich generation refers to adults—typically in their 30s to 50s—who are “sandwiched” between caring for their own children and supporting aging parents at the same time. This support can be financial, emotional, physical, or all three.
The term became common in sociology in the 1990s and 2000s. It’s generally credited to social scientist Dorothy A. Miller, who used it in a 1981 paper describing middle‑aged adults caring for both children and elderly parents.
Manager of counselling initiatives, Marcus Cheung, with the Calgary Counselling Centre, says visualize what’s between the two slices of bread as being squeezed.
“Whoever is in the middle generation [feels] obligated, and they have this sense of responsibility,” says Cheung. “There’s a sense of care and a sense of responsibility towards people who are older and younger.”
Running ragged – the warning signs
The burden of managing the schedules of work, kids and older parents comes with the risk of burnout for the caregiver who is sandwiched in the middle.
“They find themselves stretched and that’s where the difficulties come from,” says Cheung, who adds most people are burnt out without even knowing it.
“As a counsellor, the very first skill we try to train people to do is to be self-aware.”
Check in with yourself, says Cheung. Assess how you are doing mentally, psychologically, and emotionally.
“If you find yourself feeling somewhat more irritable than usual, and physically tired. Or there are changes in your appetite or sleeping pattern. You find yourself exhausted and more likely to withdraw from social activities – those are times we would ask people to seek help and professional counselling immediately.”
Lookout for loved ones burning out
As the effort to keep up with the demands of being sandwiched with children and parental caregiving duties takes its toll, Cheung suggests we lookout for loved ones experiencing burnout and offer assistance
“Maybe just asking if there is a way that you can help,” says Cheung, adding “there needs to be a sense of self-compassion.”
Even with societal or cultural pressure to take care of parents along with your children, the counsellor says they will introduce the need to take care of yourself.
“If you don’t take care of yourself, you can hardly take care of others,” says Cheung. “Self-compassion is one of the ideas we talk about. The ability to self-soothe during difficulty. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be able to say good things about yourself.”
Recognize your own limitations, says Cheung.
“It’s normal to have limitations because you are a human being and you are doing your best.”
Selfcare without feeling guilty
Making time for selfcare and self-soothing does not mean you are abandoning your responsibilities, and you don’t have to feel bad about prioritizing selfcare. Cheung says, “We cannot always have it together, and that’s okay.”
“We tell people that we counsel, be able to adjust the expectations to the environment. What is it that they are expecting themselves to do and whether those expectations are reasonable and attainable. Oftentimes they are not.”
Setting boundaries
Selfcare is not selfish. It still involves considering other people but also involves considering oneself, notes Cheung, adding the ability to say ‘no’ is a skill.
“The skill is to say no and being able to be okay, sometimes disappointing people, but you do that in order to protect your own time, energy and mental health,” says Cheung.
Saying ‘no’ requires boundary setting, adds the counsellor.
“I can do this. But I cannot do that,” says Cheung adding,” It’s important for the person to know they cannot be everything to everybody all the time. And that’s okay.”
Ask for help
Apart from saying ‘no’, the counsellor adds that people need to sometimes accept and ask for help.
“That’s not something people often feel comfortable doing. They feel like they are burdening somebody. But we are human beings. We have limitations and therefore, we have to ask for help and when help is being offered, we have to know how to accept it,” says Cheung. “Accepting and asking for help does not make you less capable.”
This allows the caregiver time to recharge so they can continue helping their family.
Another tip is to find support.
“Find people who are in a similar situation and try to learn how to actually go through this,” adds Cheung. “Seek advice and emotional support from people who are going through the same thing.”
Support
The closest resource is the people beside you, says Cheung. They may or may not know what to do, but “simply letting people know and making your issues known to others often goes a long way.”
For anyone needing professional help in sustaining their efforts, support is available online or in person via Counselling Alberta and the Calgary Counselling Centre.
In Lloydminster, mental health resources are available also online and in-person.
