When it’s time for young adults to leave the nest to pursue post-secondary studies, it’s hard for parents to let go, as they see their child being on their own for the first time.
“We are talking about people who have just finished school. Also, young people who are ready for the job market. And we are also talking about people who are moving out of the house,” says Marcus Cheung, manager of counselling initiatives with the Calgary Counselling Centre. “They are also starting relationships.”
The separation from parents comes with a sense of uncertainty as youngsters and parents deal with life transitions.
“From 22-26, possibly even earlier, they face a lot of pivotal points in their life,” says Cheung.
For graduates of grade 12, this could be the first time that they are away from the family home as they pursue post-secondary education.
“There’s a lot of excitement. There’s a lot of things that people are looking forward to. From the perspective of our younger generation, a lot of that would be independence. They are starting to gain real independence from their family and be responsible for themselves.”
Financial responsibility
This could be financial as well as some students are also working part time, while studying.
“So that independence goes with a significant amount of responsibility.” Cheung sees that tension as being a source of stress as young people take responsibility for managing studies and living away from their family.
“Sometimes that can be a challenge.”
Parents letting go
Parents also face the challenge of letting go, even when they know that their children have been raised to act responsibly.
“I think for a lot of the younger folks, they may or may not be aware of the fact that with them leaving the house, it can put their family in a state of worry or concern.”
Even though the child is now a legal adult, a parent will still want to be a caregiver.
“Even though they are 18 or 19, it doesn’t make the parents worry less. They still feel this responsibility to take care of their child,” says Cheung. “However, the situation has changed now. Your child is not in grade one or two. They are in university. I think its oftentimes a challenge for the parents to think about how to navigate that reality.”
The balance is how much independence a parent may feel comfortable giving versus how connected you wish to remain with your young adult.
“I think those are some of the things that can create some confusion, uncertainty or even tension for some families.”
Boundary setting and family ties
When it comes to letting go or determining how far you wish your child to be from home varies in each family situation. Parents and young adults need to come to terms with each other’s new reality.
“From the parents side, it’s really about recognizing that the child is probably old enough to take care of themselves. And if not, perhaps transitioning away from the house would be a good opportunity for the young person to practise how to survive in an environment where they have to take full responsibility for themselves,” says Cheung, as he notes for people who are 18-20, they are not at the point where they can function as good as people who are for example 30-years old.
“They still require some support.”
The level of support can be discussed.
For the young people, Cheung sees this as a time for getting independence with a critical caveat.
“Let’s not forget that independence does not come without responsibility. You have to be a fully responsible adult, and this is a practice for you to learn how to do that.”
Cheung sees room for dialogue and negotiations as to what the transition will look like.
“There could be some discomfort. Perhaps they miss home. Or they don’t miss home. But it does take time for both sides to adjust to the transition.”
Seeking professional help
While most families will get through this transition with patience, support and family care, Cheung notes if anxiety builds and the process seems overwhelming, then some professional input could be beneficial.
“When people get to a point where they get slightly overwhelmed about the process, be it anxiety, self-doubt, or feeling unsure about the future and causing them to function differently than they normally do, I think that’s the time people should consider asking for help.”
Cheung notes the pressure facing young people with rising expenses, charting the uncertainty of a career path, and relationships causing anxiety to build.
“I think that’s the time for people to speak to a counsellor,” says Cheung. “As people transition from one stage of life to another it does take time for them to adjust. Instead of being anxious, go through the process one step at a time.”
Getting support
More help is available online or in person via Counselling Alberta and the Calgary Counselling Centre.
In Lloydminster, there is also support available online and in-person. Walk-in support is also available at Pathways to Wellness.
